I woke up this morning, thanked the Lord for the day and immediately felt a longing in my spirit. This was not an unfamiliar feeling it just surprised me because I woke with I thought was a spirit of gratefulness for life, health and strength and to feel like I needed to petition about this bothers me deeply. The desire to be romantically intimate with a man.......when I say desire to be romantically intimate...I mean an exclusive relationship that is satisfying to me mentally, physically and spiritually. I have a tough history with love because I don't think I've ever experienced it.....not the way I want too anyway. I feel like all my past romantic experiences are evidence of all the times I've settled.
So now my question to the Lord is if this desire is so strong, why has it not come to me yet.....then I start to think is there something wrong with what I believe about love....I believe God created a man to love me the way that Christ loved the church in addition to all the freaky stuff I wanna do. I don't think it's up to me to find this man or go out of my way and force feelings that don't come natural with the chemistry we share.
I've read Proverbs 31 a few times and I feel like everyday of my life is progress. I've already talked to God several times about what I hope this man looks like, what he does for a living, how we are to be each others help and how I need for him to be able to express to me how he feels about me. I had dreams about my wedding and my children and everything he and I will build together and I still have yet to see him.
Then I ask God...what does all this mean? How can I have these visions of a life with a person I haven't met. Then I think about all the sermons I've ever heard about marriage and relationships and I come to the conclusion that God hasn't shown me to him yet. We all know the story of how God put Adam to sleep took his rib went and formed the woman and then brought her to him.
So now I'm impatient and frustrated, why haven't you shown me to him? What do I need to learn about myself that makes our stars combine. Is it about sex? Well, is it? I don't know. I'm not a virgin so yeah it might be about sex, but what about it? I don't think it's about sex at all, the kind of sex I want to have at this point in my life will be the physical manifestation of all the satisfaction I feel from my partner in every other aspect of our lives. Deep. Committed. Ready and willing. LOVE.
