Another Day the Lord has kept me

 This is more like a journal entry than a blog post. Every now and again I get the urge to write out how I'm feeling. Sometimes its a particular train of thought, other times its just random. Today is random. I been moved back home for about 4 years now, I'm on my second job and its the one I think Imma hold on too for awhile. I'm getting more notoriety for the work I do now back home than I ever have and that makes me feel good. While my work keeps me busy, and tapped in with the movers and shakers, my social life has gone to shit. I have no friends at home, no network of people on the up and up that I can talk to or plan to do things with. It's a little disheartening, you would think with the community work that I do and having moved back home, people would be lining up to hang out with ya girl, but that is simply not the case.

I also don't have a love life, but I don't care about any of that. You know what I care about now more than ever, is getting some fat checks in my name. I want to see my businesses flourish and everything that I've invested in be returned to me 100-fold. I don't care if another soul in Halifax County, NC calls me to hang out ever again, however being a millionaire in Halifax county is something I don't want to let go of. 

I been reading about manifesting, and having my cards read to make sure I'm on the right path, but you know who gives that blessed assurance, its the good Lord up above, the holy trinity, father, son, and holy ghost. Solid rock I stand that gives me confidence in saying I can be a millionaire not because I'm so smart and I do everything right and can't nobody tell me nothing, its because Christ lives on the inside of me and causes my dreams to come true. I mean I have tried it all, dream boards, tarot readings, but what never fails is God's word, I'm actually depending on his word to bring me through a situation right now.

You wanna know something else I hate, social media! People flex the most on the internet with very little to show for anything in real life, I find it one of the most confusing things I've ever encountered. The way people use language to hype themselves up is hilarious to me and very sad. Front about relationships and material bullshit that means nothing at the end of the day, just to put on for people that you don't even like, or that you don't even acknowledge of the internet.

I know that God is a redeemer, I believe he'll prepare a place before me in the presence of my enemies. I know God is a way maker, I know he'll solve my problems, I also know he gave me Isaiah 54 when I was in a dark place just to remind me that I am never forsaken and he would not let me be put to shame, that whatever he set in my heart to accomplish he will see out his work in my til the very end. and for that promise I am grateful.

And when I become the major employer of Halifax County through my Hemp company, I won't use my power to exploit anyone, but to encourage and uplift. Pay a decent wage and create work that the community can be proud of, Now I just need to know what to do next.

I don't know what to call this......

I woke up this morning, thanked the Lord for the day and immediately felt a longing in my spirit. This was not an unfamiliar feeling it just surprised me because I woke with I thought was a spirit of gratefulness for life, health and strength and to feel like I needed to petition about this bothers me deeply. The desire to be romantically intimate with a man.......when I say desire to be romantically intimate...I mean an exclusive relationship that is satisfying to me mentally, physically and spiritually. I have a tough history with love because I don't think I've ever experienced it.....not the way I want too anyway. I feel like all my past romantic experiences are evidence of all the times I've settled.

So now my question to the Lord is if this desire is so strong, why has it not come to me yet.....then I start to think is there something wrong with what I believe about love....I believe God created a man to love me the way that Christ loved the church in addition to all the freaky stuff I wanna do. I don't think it's up to me to find this man or go out of my way and force feelings that don't come natural with the chemistry we share.

I've read Proverbs 31 a few times and I feel like everyday of my life is progress. I've already talked to God several times about what I hope this man looks like, what he does for a living, how we are to be each others help and how I need for him to be able to express to me how he feels about me. I had dreams about my wedding and my children and everything he and I will build together and I still have yet to see him.

Then I ask God...what does all this mean? How can I have these visions of a life with a person I haven't met. Then I think about all the sermons I've ever heard about marriage and relationships and I come to the conclusion that God hasn't shown me to him yet. We all know the story of how God put Adam to sleep took his rib went and formed the woman and then brought her to him.

So now I'm impatient and frustrated, why haven't you shown me to him? What do I need to learn about myself that makes our stars combine. Is it about sex? Well, is it? I don't know. I'm not a virgin so yeah it might be about sex, but what about it? I don't think it's about sex at all, the kind of sex I want to have at this point in my life will be the physical manifestation of all the satisfaction I feel from my partner in every other aspect of our lives. Deep. Committed. Ready and willing. LOVE.

Last night I had bad dream.................

Last night I had one of the strangest dreams, I've ever had in my life. I went to the hood to buy pot with my best friend and when we got there, the plug was being murdered. We saw the person being murdered and the person that was doing the murdering but they didn't see us. The next day I went back to that place alone because they were having a memorial for the deceased, which turned into a party. Somehow I wound up holding a pretty little chocolate baby girl who was the niece of the deceased. However, his family was very skeptical of me, thinking that I possibly had something to do with the murder that had taken place the night before. I left the room I was sitting in, with the family members who were asking questions, to take the baby to the bathroom to change her pamper. While in the bathroom, I saw three people I knew from my hometown, one of which I didn't care for, which was proven to me in the dream and the other two, I never had many dealings with. When I returned from the bathroom with the baby, I found the room I was in, empty with my stuff looking like it had been gone through. I found a note on top of my phone with a picture of a gun drawn on it saying that I was dead girl because they saw that I had tried to contact the deceased twice, the night before. (he was the plug). I grabbed my stuff and put the baby down...looked at my phone and had a random text message from someone saying they were with the Mecklenburg County homicide division and they asked me if I was okay because they were doing an investigation into what happened and they saw me and my best friend leaving the apartment building the night before and they wanted to talk to me, I tried to text them and tell them that I had just had my life threatened but I was okay, but before I could send the text, I woke up.